Age: WHO's COUNTING

[Fran Lewis]

So you think you are old and over the hill. Think again. Your feet hurt, your back aches and you get hot and cold flashes and have no idea whether you need a cold shower or a heating pad. Just where did it all go and how did I get to be middle aged when I was just a teenager yesterday? These questions and many more will be addressed by author Laverne H. Bardy in her hilarious book of short stories that really did happen to her: How The(Bleep) Did I Get This Old? From describing her journey from married to single and reentering the ever not so fun dating scene, to dealing with people that tell her she is old, this book has it all for everyone of every age. Dealing with doctors and spending too much time listening to them and them to your complaints and finding your next sole mate, dealing with kids and grandparents that love to spoil, you will laugh, cry and definitely not put this book down until you read the final story and say: I can definitely relate and some of these things happened to me.

Getting older is not really in anyone’s life plan as a fun thing to do and definitely not placed in your daily planner as a must do now. Body parts ache, bones thin, you endure many kinds of pain and the pleasure of having your doctor pay attention to you and charge Medicaid or Medicare for their time and yours. Knowing that you would prefer going out to dinner, the Early Bird special or even enjoying that discount at the movies, you trek to the doctor just to find out you need another test that you hope to pass or another pill. Just think about this: No one can escape the hands or jaws of time. The next time so young snippy says that you look old, or appearance is not what it used to be, remind them that sags, bags and cellulite are just a few milestones away.

Author Laverne Bardy takes the reader on a downhill and uphill journey leading us in many different and hilarious directions until we finally come to our easy chair, sit in it and say: Life is too short to be old and think old. We are still here, kicking and do not count anyone of us out!

Getting back into the dating game is where she begins her stories. Imagine after begin married for 21 years starting over again. Well, dating at any age is an adventure and not always a good one. Remember your first date as a teen or in your early twenties? It is no different now it’s just that the guys or men are older, fatter, shorter and maybe not as agile or able to keep up anymore. So, how did she fair on her many excursions? Well, there is ready Freddy who learned just how smart and clever our hands off author really is? Then there are the guys she met at singles dances, one women that decided she had too many friends and did not need another one, and of course our Nascar driver. To learn just what happens on these dates and more you have to read the first section of the book so that you can smile, laugh and learn that you are not alone.

Laverne describes how she fixed up her house, understands the ineptness of contractors and the false promises of lawyers. But, the one thing that would irk anyone would be when someone has the nerve or gall to remind you that you are no longer a spring chicken anymore but an over ripe apple or overly seasoned turkey or duck. Don’t you love it when you got to the doctor and the first thing they do is remind you that your female organs are not what they used to be. It’s even worse when the brilliant doctor can’t mind them and thinks maybe you misplaced them or even removed them yourself. Maybe he should have a lost and found for missing parts just in case anyone loses anything else you can always replace yours with theirs.

The second part of the book, which includes the above reference to age, also includes the warning signs we all need to watch for when getting just a tad older. Poor eyesight, cataracts, sags, bulges, hearing loss, trouble driving, missing the exit or even just fat and cellulite are just a few things you all have to look forward to. But, don’t fret there are tons more. Getting older is like writing a new chapter in a novel, you never know what the ending will be or where the characters will take you until you are finished writing it. Continuing with her daughter panicking over a gray eyebrow hair and followed by a reunion with her close friends.

From realizing aging is not call that it is cracked up to be, to receiving her first Social Security check, Laverne gives us the inside track on the perks and non-perks of getting older in number but definitely not at heart.

Here is where things really decline and you learn that many of your new friends will always be with you, loyal and true and never leave. Just who are they: Arthur Ritis, Cellulite, and of course the old bags and sags. Imagine going to the market and eyeing a cute guy and when he finally notices you he wants to find the laundry detergent aisle and needs you help to locate it. Some even think that people over 50 should just get out their flannel robes, walkers and wheelchairs and wait- I don’t know for what but wait.

Funny true life stories that will make you laugh, cry and just plain smile. Flirting, getting followed by a younger and hot guy, and just living life, our author tells it all. But, the funniest chapter that most can identify with is going to the doctor, filling out the nonsense forms and listening to him/her rattle off questions that are already on the forms and never asking you why you are there! The two questions I always leave out are: How are old are you and your date of birth and the second: How much do you weigh? I am thin and not overweight but since you just weighed me do you want to see if I saw the same thing you did or is this test of my hearing?

Recounting her experience at the emergency room reminded me of the many times I took my mom there over the last ten years. Wasted ten hours how true. The sad part is you can actually get worse before getting better waiting for the ever so busy doctor to see you, give you five minutes of his/her precious time and have the nerve to tell you that the next time you get sick make sure you don’t do it on Sunday because we are short staffed or turn up in an ambulance if immediate attention. Have to tell you that does not always grant you an immediate audience with the doctor. Even worse is when the doctor relates your problem and your exam to the entire staff. Her recounting her story about her surgery was hysterical. You never know who is going to show up to check if you are alive or dead now do you?

The third part tells her experiences back in the day her housekeeping changes, whether we need to dress to impress and defects we all have and need to accept. Just how many of us have the shopping gene, the mother instinct gene and the housekeeping gene? From the sensitivity of the nurses when she had her first child, to her experiences growing up and trying to be perfect all of the time and meeting Mighty Marc, author Laverne Bardy really helps everyone deal with just the normal things we all will eventually endure in life and much more. So, what is her secret? Marc’s philosophy of living for the moment and enjoying life works for me. Losing my mom, as he did his wife to Alzheimer’s is a real awakening and you need to cherish every minute even if it means going to the mall with your grandkids, playing games and never cleaning up. This is one book that everyone should read when you need to smile, laugh, before going to the doctor so you won’t have any surprises or just because you want to find out the answer to this age old question: How the Bleep did I Get This Old? You are not old you are just YOU!

Fran Lewis: reviewer